Four Years Ago

I lay on my bed, staring at nothing.  This didn't happen.  How could it?  It just...it just...couldn't.  Friends.  Friends don't...die.  Not the friends who took riding lessons with you.  Not the friends who laughed at your Gollum impressions.  Not the friends with the explosively curly hair.  They can't.  They don't.  They shouldn't.

But sometimes they do.

*

3/20
I called Aj yesterday.  No answer.  There was a different message on the machine.  An automated thing.  I haven't talked to her in a long time.  No church, no horse, no phone, no email.  I hope she hasn't fallen off the face of the earth or anything!


3/26
Aj was in the hospital.  Viral meningitis.  Last Thursday we went to visit her.  She would laugh and joke with me, but she had a sort of glazed over look.  And when she tried to walk (I was behind her, so I couldn't really see), Mom said she was crossing her feet something fierce.  Her dad was in front of her and the nurse was beside her helping her to walk.  And everybody kept saying she was a lot better.
She came home on Friday and Mom is gonna call her to see if she feels good enough to come and watch at horse today.  I'm gonna call Ami and see if she can ride Fini today.


I remember that day.  I had been to StateLine Tack earlier, so I took my new gloves and riding crop in to show her.  She admired them and we talked.  She said she got to watch a lot of movies.  Eragon was one of them.  I hadn't seen it yet, so I asked her how she liked it and I don't remember what she said.

Life went on as usual for awhile.  I exercised the horses while our trainer was out of town, riding Pronator and turning Fini out since Aj couldn't come to ride her.  I didn't write in my journal for awhile because I was down with chicken pox.  (For the second time.  Go figure.)

4/12
Aj has cancer.  The docs say it'll be a miracle if she pulls through.  So that's what I'm praying for.  A miracle.  God's done it before, He can do it again.  Yesterday I wrote emails to Hannah V., Karen, AG and Amy H., asking them to pray for her. [...]  If I had been Cordel last night, my eyes would have been green as the hills of Ireland.  It was the first time I'd cried throughout the whole thing.  I hope the next time I cry will be tears of joy that she's been healed.  [Mention of a story I was working on.]  I hope Aj will get to read the whole story when it's finished.  Lord ha' mercy, I don't want to lose her!  Please heal her, Lord, please!  Sandi left a message that she wanted to give us an update from Hector's visit.  I called Mom on her cell and she said she'd call Sandi.  The folks dropped off the big truck at the dealership the other day to have it serviced.  They went to pick it up today and Mom said she's going out to the hospital afterwards.


4/26
[...] We have news that some of the cancer is "melting away."  3 cheers for Aj!!!  Mom said we might go to see her today before horse.  [...]


4/28
[...] The main prayer requests for Aj are for strength and for her vision to return to normal.  Apparently all she can see is silhouettes.


5/4
Quatro de Mayo.  :)  We leave tomorrow.  Wednesday we went to Children's, saw the fam.  Before we left, Emma (Aj's grandma) went in and told Aj we were there (she had been asleep when we arrived) and Emma said Aj said "Oh!  Tell Jennette I'll call her soon as I can."  :)  Goofy girl o' mine.  So she must have been feeling better.  :)  Mom told 'em her cell phone number and said no matter when she feels like it, Aj can call.  'at's my girl.  After Wednesday's radiation treatment, they were going to move her to Kaiser - that's where their insurance is.


She never improved enough to call.  I've searched my journal, but can find no reference to what happened afterwards.  Some things can't be put into words.

*

I rubbed my eyes.  They were red and aching from all the tears washing over them.  It was so hard to believe.  Just a short time ago, she had been riding with me in the arena, sweating in the sun and the dust.  And now she was gone.  Poof.  No more.

Dust.

I didn't go to the memorial service.  I could've, but I didn't.  I don't remember why.  I still haven't seen Eragon.